Dear Bronwyn
Well, here you are. It's the end of a fairly inconsequential Sunday. It must have been a beautiful morning but you missed it - because you slept late.
This pattern is unusual for you. You are usually an early riser but as you are currently nursing a broken wrist - and with all the shit that's happening in your life - this sloth is forgiven. After all, you have had trouble sleeping and your body clock is all over the shop.
Today has been an okay sought of day. You took Ben to breakfast where you had a decent chat. After he hurried off to pick up his friends, you walked home.
You mooched around looking through a dating site and decided to join. Then you walked to the Palace to see Florence Foster Jenkins where you enjoyed a box of Maltesers and a glass of wine - and you cried. Because you related to poor Florence who didn't care how good she was. She just wanted to sing. Just as you want to write. And you want to be heard. And you might also just be some mediocre, vainglorious being - like Florence. But aah, she had a man who loved her, who believed in her no matter what - even though there marriage was celibate. And who whispered 'I love you' as she drew her last breath.
Back to the dating site. Because this lack of "love" - the real stuff - in your life is the thing behind it.
Today, while signing up and wondering about the folly of it all, you found a friend on there and he messaged you. Graham was wondering what was going on - had he missed something and why were on this site - and you explained:
Your husband Alan ran off over 14 months ago. He literally RAN mumbling something like: 'I can't do this anymore'. A few months later, Al sent you an email from Thailand no less - in a nutshell, telling you you didn't cut the mustard, time would heal all wounds, and we would be friends.
What to say. The last few months have been quite hideous. I have never known you to cry so much.
There was also that evening when you were Googling ways to kill yourself - and you were really scared.
But the thing is, Bronwyn, you did not kill yourself. You will not. Yes you will cry. Yes you will have bad days. But one day it will all be in your past and you can give yourself a pat on the back because: Voila: Something else you have managed to overcome and survive.
Let's face it Bron. You're not new to rejection, exclusion and judgement.
You've survived cancer for god's sake. What's divorce?
For what it's worth, I believe in you. I believe you will get through this period. I also believe that it's never really going to be all wine and roses.
But together, we will get there.
Hang in there chicken. Let's talk tomorrow.
Your best friend always
Bronwyn
